This time Patrick has decided that he will actually trust Louisa to do the right thing and be a guest author on his blog. I can’t be so sure about that really, given that I’m just recovering my sanity after a most unusual day in an unfamiliar city…

Met up with Patrick at the new wing of Wang Utama after lunch with my old schoolmates at a Vietnamese restaurant. It helped that most people were staring at his height. At coffee Joaquim came along and we proceeded to window-shop while assuming dress-up responsibility for Patrick. Patrick’s favourite shirts included “Sucked, Licked, Fcuked” (no prizes for guessing where we found that), “To be taken orally: extreme satisfaction guaranteed” (shopgirl standing outside the change room thought that looked good on him, hmmm….) and “I Quit Smoking, Sex and Drinking, and it was the Worst 15 minutes of my Life”. It was probably the first time I found myself saying “that looks too short on you, do they have a larger size for your shoulders?”. I also got the chance to finally see those photos from the FCUK catwalk that Patrick was involved in. His friend Jonathan looks good I have to say! Pity the shots were sorta blurry when it tried to focus on Patrick. As for the makeup…hahahahahahahaha. Sorry, I meant HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I think the makeup artist should be shot, but only after the person who organized the program for that day, judging from the photos and Joaquim’s description of the day.

Joaquim parted ways with us at 6pm after a fruitless search for a product at Watsons (where Patrick and I started cracking jokes about purple and pink toy hippos sold there) and we made our way toward Nurul’s place. I was puzzled over leaving Wang Utama at 6:15pm to get to a dinner party at Subang Jaya scheduled for 7:30pm (apparently it’s supposed to take 30 minutes unless there is a jam of course). Then Patrick went, “Can you check the map and see where I’m supposed to go?”

Uh-oh.

Being from “outstation” (that’s what they call all the non-KL people apparently) I was hopeless at reading the KL map so we decided to rely on signs (that and we couldn’t find SS19 Subang Jaya in the map index). Big Mistake. After Patrick actually managed to convince the people at the toll that he missed his toll ticket (instead of just taking a guess at how he was to pay: “Am I Touch & Go or Smart Pay?”) in English to people who just kept speaking Malay to him, we then proceeded to miss Subang Parade and ended up in Sunway (we almost thought we were heading for Kuantan for a while). At a certain roundabout we made three circles in the attempt to figure out where we were from a large billboard, and found out that a new development was to take place there. As the traffic jams continued, Patrick went “Don’t worry, we’ll get there. We always get there.”

Lightning flashed in the sky. Every time Patrick said something assuring during the one hour and 10 minutes it took us to get to Nurul’s place, lighting would flash in the sky. Coincidence or an indication of the situation?

After clarifying with Nurul that her walls were pink and not orange, and that we had actually been given her old address (ZAMIL!!!) we finally got to her place (Patrick: “See, we’ve got 5 minutes to spare!”) It certainly explained the gas stations and “count 4 bumps on the road” directions that had been given to us, though I’m still trying to work out how it is that L comes after G but before H…the way they label lanes in KL boggles the mind.

We waited for an hour before most people turned up. The “few friends” turned out to be 15-20 people (I forget, I was too busy stuffing myself with food while sitting on a really comfy rug and discussing Real Madrid with Nurul’s mother). We had to depart before the laksa came out unfortunately (right after a morbid story about a death; I call it the Death On the Nile story) as we were supposed to get to this “really nice place” called Bar Savant in the city. Luckily we got the Kelantan curry puffs.J

While heading to Amcorp Mall to pick up Joaquim who had a dinner there (with nice clear directions from Nurul’s mother and Zamil this time), we got a phone call from Zamil. By the time Joaquim got to the car in a foxy black outfit and stillettos, Patrick had to tell her that we were heading to Sri Hartamas instead of Bar Savant due to changes in plans (concerns about the cover charge). While poor Joaquim had to call to cancel the table she had reserved (a table she had to wait for two hours for it to be confirmed earlier) Patrick was negotiating KL roads once again under Joaquim’s directions so that we could grab her laptop at her firm before actually heading to Sri Hartamas. In the meantime I was given the task of calling someone called Kwong Heng on Patrick’s phone, and yes I will record the conversation for your reading benefit:
Louisa: Hi Kwong Heng, this is.
KH: Hey man, I’m just going to pick up a couple of friends before I head down to the city. I’ll be there soon.
Louisa: Hi Kwong Heng, this is Louisa and you don’t know me but you’ll meet me later. Joaquim is on her phone and Patrick is driving, so I’m just telling you that due to technical financial problems Bar Savant has been cancelled and we are heading to Sri Hartamas instead.
KH: YOU BASTARD!
Louisa: (pause) Patrick, Kwong Heng says you’re a bastard.
Patrick: It’s not my fault!
Louisa: Kwong Heng, Patrick says it’s not his fault.
KH: I’m so overdressed! I’m going to look like a green traffic light, and it’s all your fault!
Patrick: It’s not my fault!
Joaquim: Kwong Heng. don’t worry, I’m also overdressed, and it’s all Patrick’s fault.
Patrick: IT’S NOT MY FAULT!
At this point in time I decided to pass the phone to Patrick. The two boys obviously needed to talk.

So we ended up at a lounge called Nostradamus (I’m sure I have the name wrong) for drinks. The voice on the phone finally arrived (but no he didn’t look like a green traffic light, the shirt was not green enough to do that) and proceeded to abscond the table that comprised Yanti, Priscilla, Fiona and Zamil from Patrick. Despite his never having met any of these people, they all found a common hobby in five minutes: making jokes and telling stories at Patrick’s expense (Patrick: “They’re all lies, all lies!”)

6 jugs of beer and countless cartons of cigarettes later…

Kwong Heng had come back from clubbing at a place opposite Nostradamus, all wet. Patrick was flushed and laughing real loud with everyone else, even when the jokes were on him. Priscilla was having a ball, proving herself to be even more evil than Patrick. Fiona had screamed “Come on, fight like real men!” at guys downstairs who had proceeded a minute-long cat fight outside the club and “If you cannot drive, don’t bother!” at a girl in a Proton Kancil who had tried to park in a 45-degree lot for 10 minutes. Joaquim was drinking beer despite the fact that it was not her favourite drink, and I had lost two games to Zamil at the pool table. Behind us, someone from another group of customers had got so drunk from a drinking game he puked on the floor and a cushion.

We were the loudest table at the mamak stall, and the jokes on Patrick continued though Kwong Heng shared some of the flak this time (telling Priscilla to do the Hakka War Dance was JUST not a good idea). All I can say is that after the day, I realise Patrick really lives a charmed life. After explaining to me how his full name should be pronounced at one stage in the night (a name that probably is better off mispronounced in Malaysia), he asked me, “So what do you think about my life after spending today with me?”

I laughed. Maniacally, uncontrollably, hysterically. For a minute I went absolutely crazy with laughter. His response: “See, only a few hours and you’re already nuts! Imagine me!”

All hail the Master of Chaos!

Signing off,
Louisa (mwahahaha…oops, oh dear, I’m still laughing…)

ps, we figured out a good subtle tshirt message: "I Smoke Because: (1) I live outside KL. (2) I work in KL. (3) I drive."