|A retreat for the well-being of my mind from the insanity of the life that is mine.|
Friday, April 02, 2004 0 comments
Currently listening to: Where is my Mind - Placebo
Delusional rambling time again.
Well here i am. Again. Banging away on the computer in order to try and complete yet another assignment during some God forsaken hour.
Shit, just seems harder and harder convincing myself to actually get any work done for uni at all these days... i guess it really does hit you if you keep finding yourself in the same near hopeless situation year in and year out (let's see, got into uni at 16 or 17 so thats what, 7 years?). Wasn't always like this... I don't know why but i feel STUPID. Frustrated even by this seeming lack of ability to comprehend things which i should, by all means, be able to breeze my way through just like all those years ago... Lack of motivation maybe? Maybe.
Or maybe i'm just that stupid.
I'm still hoping out for monetary incentive though. Working for CSA earlier this year really did do me some good. I remember waking up (waking up!) every morning ready to rock because of the challenge, experience and the money i would invariably earn from working... And now i find myself in the same rut, waking late, moping around and feeling a distinct lack of drive. If that's not proof by comparison as to what's currently wrong, then by all means let me work! Oh yeah. Need the damn degree... :(
AIIIEEEE!!!! Get me OUT OF HERE!!!!!!
Anyway, just got back from a small break at the mamak stall. God bless Malaysia (and Peugeot) for simple 24 hour conveniences... Amazing thing was that it was crowded with other people doing their assignments or coming back from what looks like a rave. Ah Friday morning... wonder how many of you guys out there are doing last minute assignments! Geez, i remember things like being able to get a meal at times like these were impossible back in Australia due to a lousy combination of a distinct lack of transport, money, and 24 hour food outlets. Not to mention the cold of course...
On another note, i've been thinking as to why i've been feeling miserable so often all this time... Doesn't make sense. I live in a freaking penthouse, money is not really a problem anymore, i have a job lined up for me after this (assuming i even graduate *groan*), got a full belly every day, my health (strangely enough) and i've got a small cadre of some of my oldest and dearest friends here. I dunno. Maybe i'm just a selfish brat with no sense of gratefulness for the things which fate (and well-meaning parents and friends) have brought about for me. But then again i've slept on park benches before, starved for days on end, smoked the butts of cigs in the ashtray countless times from lack of cash (awww cmon y'know you have), etc, etc... so i think i can truthfully appreciate the base creature comforts. Maybe i'm just not a happy person in general? I really don't know why people think that i'm so cheerful all the time since for the life of me i can only really remember myself always feeling down, more than a little lonely, and pretty angry (albeit quietly i admit). Maybe its them mood swings again? Hope not. Last time i had a bad case of that i had my first (and hopefully last) panic attack on a crowded commuter train. Meh.
Maybe its genetic or hormonal? I've always liked sad/tragic/depressing songs and movies for 'that' feeling they exude... ;p
Happiness. Why do people measure themselves by how happy they are? I mean... for me at least... i don't believe that happiness in the completest sense is ever achievable. You'll NEVER be truly happy - no matter how much prozac you take - so why even try? There'll always be something more, something missing, or just something wrong and if not with yourself then with someone else or the world at large. So why measure it by something that could never exist? HOW do you measure it by this? I think we should measure it by levels of UNHAPPINESS because at least you know the limit of THAT. If you reach that lowest of rungs you'd be... well... either slashing your wrists or locked away and drugged up in an institute somewhere (and of course, trying to slash your wrists)...
Rabid and consistent insomnia doesn't help either.
Dammit... gotta break back to reality again. *SIGH*
(Relatively unhappy) Pat signing out.
Name: Patrick Pincon
Studied at: Monash
Work: Business Development
Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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